The Judge was kind and considerate, especially considering the majority of the testimony involved how I lost the will (I felt like an idiot, but he was so kind) . . .
And today, I have been a complete mess.
The formality of it, the paperwork, the testimony . . .
In some twisted way it felt like I was in court to formally sever ties / divorce Deb, and I've been uncomfortable all day long . . . to the point I haven't eaten all day . . . and am not sure at 9:00 or so in the evening whether I am going to be able to accomplish that even before I go to bed.
Of course, it doesn't help that today was my brother Courtney's 27th birthday . . . except for the fact that he passed away before he reached his 7th. Kind of a double-whammy for me.
In a selfish way, I thought that Courtney and I had more in common, even though he was such a small child, than I did with any of my other foster-siblings, but then, I think that Betsy, Jamie, Julie and Amy might have felt the same way. He had the ability, as a very small child, to make you feel like he was giving you permission to enter his "secret world" and that just the two of you shared it . . .
Maybe it was because he wasn't able to mingle with kids his own age (because of the Leukemia treatments, and the immunity suppressing drugs he was always on). . . . but he was funny, imaginative, clever, and so overly dramatic . . . (If he had lived, he might have even given Rose a run for her money on that account)....
Deb got to meet him only once, and it was hard for both him and her. I don't think he ever really thought I was a grown-up, just an over-sized playmate who played "He-Man & Skeletor" with him and never won when we "bowled" in the living room. (Just so you know, I could have won if I had wanted to . . . ) So when I brought home a wife, I think he was a bit perplexed. And Deb said that getting to know him so near to the time that we lost him was cruel . . . as if t it would be easier for her to lose the "idea" of my brother rather than to have to know what it was we all lost when he died, and at such a heart-breaking young age.
Like I said, it's been a hard day at The Hotel Abandon . . . lots of ghosts in the halls this evening . . .
1 comment:
You describe Courtney so perfectly... made me cry.
J was never around little kids in his own home so being around Courtney was awkward for him. I'll never forget the day Courtney said, "You're playing J, you're playing!"
Love ya,
Betsy
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