Deb's Probate Hearing . . .

Things went as planned . . . 

The Judge was kind and considerate, especially considering the majority of the testimony involved how I lost the will (I felt like an idiot, but he was so kind) . . . 

And today, I have been a complete mess.

The formality of it, the paperwork, the testimony . . .

In some twisted way it felt like I was in court to formally sever ties / divorce Deb, and I've been uncomfortable all day long . . . to the point I haven't eaten all day . . . and am not sure at 9:00 or so in the evening whether I am going to be able to accomplish that even before I go to bed. 

Of course, it doesn't help that today was my brother Courtney's 27th birthday . . . except for the fact that he passed away before he reached his 7th.  Kind of a double-whammy for me.

In a selfish way, I thought that Courtney and I had more in common, even though he was such a small child, than I did with any of my other foster-siblings, but then, I think that Betsy, Jamie, Julie and Amy might have felt the same way.  He had the ability, as a very small child, to make you feel like he was giving you permission to enter his "secret world" and that just the two of you shared it . . . 

Maybe it was because he wasn't able to mingle with kids his own age (because of the Leukemia treatments, and the immunity suppressing drugs he was always on). . . . but he was funny, imaginative, clever, and so overly dramatic . . .  (If he had lived, he might have even given Rose a run for her money on that account)....

Deb got to meet him only once, and it was hard for both him and her.  I don't think he ever really thought I was a grown-up, just an over-sized playmate who played "He-Man & Skeletor" with him and never won when we "bowled" in the living room.  (Just so you know, I could have won if I had wanted to  . . . )   So when I brought home a wife, I think he was a bit perplexed.  And Deb said that getting to know him so near to the time that  we lost him was cruel . . . as if t it would be easier for her to lose the "idea" of my brother rather than to have to know what it was we all lost when he died, and at such a heart-breaking young age.

Like I said, it's been a hard day at The Hotel Abandon . . . lots of ghosts in the halls this evening . . .

Coming Out of the Darkness . . . .

April has been such a tough month, but I've learned a lot of things about myself, that I now need to figure out what to do with.  And I've re-discovered things  that I have lost somewhere along the way.  When I think about the last six years, I have to congratulate myself for still being here, as low a bar as that may be, and then just turn my face toward the horizon and start thinking about the future.

1)  There is no such thing as too much music in life, and I have gone back to filling the time with music in the air, while I'm cooking, driving, working, cleaning, whatever.  Back in the day when I often didn't even have a phone in the house, let alone a cell phone, I'd spin vinyl until there would be a knock at the door, and Shaun, Betsy, or Dave would pop in, actually it was usually Shanna (with a sack of groceries for my empty pantry).  I may not have had bread, but I had the new Grace Slick album, which was my spiritual bread.  The music helps me today as much as it did then.  And sometimes I think I had it more together back then, with no money, that ridiculous Gran Torino (I can't believe any of you rode with me in that thing!), and a lot of anxiety about what the future would hold.

2) When I am not communicating verbally, I hunger to communicate in writing.  Which is why I'm gradually showing up on FaceBook, texts, etc.  At night, when I can't sleep, if I try to capture a thought, or piece of a dream that I think would make a good story or poem, if I start trying to write it out (and yes, I see the words on the screen as I think them inside my head), I find I begin to relax and let it all go.  Writing is not just something I'd like to get around to someday in my free time.  Writing will be the key to my survival, and it is crucial that I find time for it.

Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg, so turn your ship around now if this is boring or TMI, because this is where I'm headed.  

I'm spending the rest of today (and probably tomorrow) working on putting all of Julia's performances (in one iteration or another) on DVD discs.  The LOOOONG, COMPLETE ones for Julia to have personally (or to make Uncles and Aunts sit through and watch with her when you visit next), and some shorter ones in the works for me, and friends, and family.  She is mortally afraid that she's not prepared for College Musical Theatre, but when I look back on the last two years worth of video on my hard drive, she's been super active.  However, in addition to the Denton children's theatre production of Alice in Wonderland, AND the Spring Spotlight on Disney, she's auditioned for and is in the final running for a student directed (and student written) play.  She is up for the part of the crazy, psycho mother.  My guess is she nailed the audition and will end up in rehearsals for three productions at once.

Did that child have a chance in Hell of escaping from a life in the theatre?

Well enough public introspection, I'll sign off.

Many thanks to my wonderful friends for not abandoning me along the journey.  

I love you all,

 - Q

Julia Sings with the Lake Dallas DrumLine . . .

The following is a link to the video on YouTube!

"Bring Me To Life"

It's too big to post here.

- Q

Mars / Venus CD Samplers

Paul has some very kind words on his blog today for the Samplers, and it made me think about how music is different to each of us, but in so many ways is one of the few universal constants.

For me it is a way to make memories, pull people together, provide support when we need strength, and to permit us to fall apart when we need to fall apart.  But above all for me music is nothing if not shared, which is why I think I put the Hotel Abandon Samplers together in the first place.

I still think it's telling that neither Deb nor I ever told Julia to "Stop Talking!" as a baby, toddler, tween, etc.

It was always, "Julia, please stop singing!"

The poor child never had a chance!

 - The Proprietor

The Witching Hour . . .

Kendra is asleep already, and Julia just got out of a shower so hot that the steam from the bathroom has warmed me in my chilly office.

The Britney Spears concert was wonderful fun.  I think she sang one song "live" but the spectacle was unbelievable.  The circus motif certainly was a lot of fun, and some of the really great moments were by the performers/dancers who filled in time between costume changes.  And Julia and Kendra had a great time.

We all have busy days tomorrow.  Work is wonderfully hectic right now, and more work is more job stability and is good, good, good.  But tonight I'm tired.  I'm going to hit the hot tub, which I'm committed to getting into at least once daily (if not twice) and then reading some old "Aquaman" comics before going to bed.....

Until tomorrow,

Love, Q!